What the heck is going on?

I know I have some kind of panic/anxiety attacks but now I feel I am dealing with another issue.  My self image is not a pleasant one.  I know I have lost weight in the past year and I am very proud of myself.  Now, I look in the mirror and all I can see is how fat I am.  Finding fault everywhere on my body, starting with my balding head down to my twisted toes. I don't see the person everyone else sees...I just see yuck. I am wondering if I have anorexia nervosa.  I read some of the symptoms and signs and I do have many of them.  I get nervous about my weigh in day (Thursday) and just want that number to be lower. I am obsessed and knowing skinny isn't always healthy doesn't stop me.

I hate having lupus. I hate having cancer.  These two things are messing with my life. A girl can only be strong for so long then she needs someone to help her.  Just tired of fighting and adding another battle on top of it. I think of my cousin Chloe who lost her battle with brain cancer one year ago.  She was brave and strong. She always had a smile on her face.  I just wonder how she did it. I want to be positive and see all of my accomplishments.  I worked hard for those.  Then there is a moment that makes me feel like I am not worth a slug nickel. I can't even look at anyone's baby without having such a sad feeling come over me.   I have been reorganizing my FB and was good today.  I lurked but didn't say anything on my wall. I did post our camping pics but no captions.  Just back to how it was with me when there wasn't FB. Just muddle through and out with the mask.

This weekend is family coming up from West Virginia.  Typically I look forward to this, but I feel my anxiety is becoming high.  For one, no one of the other families have seen me without hair.  Then on top of that, I don't think many of them know I have uterine cancer.  I blog these things and then post but I don't know who actually reads.  Pretty much why I am stopping my status updates. Just tired of sharing my life.  If you want to know what's up, then call or email. I'm still waiting for my crying moment.

I honestly do not feel I belong. I have my siblings but 3 of them are off doing their own thing and the other two moved out of state.  I don't have that connection as it was before.  Heck, I barely know their kids.  At least I know my parents are here for me. That does give me comfort.  I am thinking of finding a psychologist again and have my sessions. Just trying to find one I click with is difficult.  I want to find out why I am so angry and usually at a drop of a hat. Then I have relationship issues that requires both parties to join and I know THAT won't happen so I close my heart to that part.  Don't want to be hurt anymore.  There's really no where or anyone to talk to for me.  I'm getting real good at repressing feelings, thoughts and what I want to say.

Just stop this train because I want to get off!