My letter to Lupus

As I was lying in bed last night with a slight fever (about 100), I started thinking about how I am tired and pissed off about this f*cking disease I have, Lupus.  I was having hallucinations, night sweats and just overall a bad sleeping pattern.  So as the result, I decided to write a letter to get my feelings out about how I felt about this and treat Lupus as a person who I ready to give the boot!  Anywho, here it is:

Dear Lupus.

This letter comes to you not in a friendly way.  I am very pissed off on how you took my freedom away from me.  For instance, from hanging out with friends to family gatherings, I am limited in my time and focus because of you.  I have to work harder to keep you at a distance but I know you are right there beside me, gnawing at me. 

At first, you took my appearance and I try to remain strong throughout.  Society looks upon me as some kind of freak because of my hair loss and ‘pits’ in my skin.  As time went on, my energy level dropped, as well as my ability to concentrate and remember.  I base my abilities on how many ‘spoons’ I have and what has to be put on the back burner. 

Then you went ahead and start taking over my joints and overall health.  I have never, in my life, taken so many pills, seen so many doctors and cried so many tears of anger and sadness.  I cannot get out of bed with ease, get up from the chair or toilet, or any relaxing position without fear, but I do it anyways.  It feels you have aged me way beyond my years.  I am lucky I do have a small group of folks who help and support me.  Those other people, who I call acquaintances, don’t ask how I am doing or criticize with their ‘expert medical advice’ and to them I say... I don’t need you.  Lupus, you have shown me who to count on during my most needed times so I did some weeding out of people.  I guess that is the ONLY thing you did for me that I cannot complain about.

Now, because of you, I had to undergo a hysterectomy and cancer.  WTF?!  This is bullshit!  More pills, doctors and possibly chemo/radiation down the road.  Seriously, you can leave NOW! 

Even though I know you will ultimately take my physical form, know this… there are millions of us who are fighting you, everyday.  One day there will be a cure, maybe not in my lifetime but there will be.  I have met a great support group of folks who battle with you everyday.  Each one of us has some form of Lupus and do battle with it everyday but you, Lupus, will NOT WIN! 

So in closing, Lupus…you can stick it where the sun don’t shine and go back to the depths of Hell.  No one wants you!

Sincerely,

Darla J. Klonowski

Diagnosed in 2004 and still fighting the strong fight!

I am just tired of dealing with chronic pain, pills (and more pills), doctors and the 'expert medical advice' from my so-called 'loved ones'.  Again, I am thankful for those who do stand by me and support with helping hands and making me laugh.  I am very thankful for those people! 

There are days I am just tired of fighting.  Tired of all of this crap and wonder what is this great plan I will undertake?  Whatever it is, I hope I have that same support system I have had since diagnosed with this disease.  A firing squad would be more humane than dealing with this for almost 10 years.  

Anywho, just having my rant. 

Just....tired.....