Winter blues continue
Ok I have been charting my depression since it has becoming worse. I am going to be talking with my doctor about it and who I can get help from.
For example how I have been feeling. A normal person would be excited to be graduating with honors. To be quite honest, I don't really care. Yeah so? I obtained a degree...that is what you are supposed to do. *shrugs* I don't even know what to do with this degree. I feel such great pressure to do something with it and I don't even know what to do. I am going to try to get certified again in June but if it doesn't come true, I don't know. That's June... too far to think about, gotta get through today.
I have little joy left to look in my life. I feel regret of not raising a family and the fear of having no one to take care of me when I am older just saddens me. My oldest sister emailed me to warn me about some cancer that runs in our family. Honestly, I don't care. Bad enough I have lupus and now you want me to worry about cancer. Really? It can do whatever it wants to do to my body. Sucks enough I don't have enough energy for an entire day.
We have some camping trips planned but that doesn't really get me pumped. I do most of the work (shopping, getting stuff organized, cleaning, setting up). Speaking of that, why can't the fucking sink just stay clean? I spent an evening cleaning it and this morning I find it full of fucking dishes. Is it really that hard to put soap on a sponge and clean? It's not even a lot!
I am just constantly angry at every little thing. Or crying. Go out, put on the everything is fine face. I get home, I just hermit myself and hide. I just feel alone. Well, not alone... not understood.
So maybe my rheummy so I ask all kinds of questions to, can direct me to some kind of mental health specialist and maybe I can help myself out of this low point. I know there are a few things I cannot change that I reluctantly accepted...not happy about it whatsoever but not much I can do since it is the other person who has the problem.
I am grateful to have this blog and write whatever I want without reservation. It's like talking to a safe friend who isn't going to judge me but listen. Anywho, there was a promise made to me and I guess I will find out in 72 hours if it kept. I have a feeling it won't because this person has made the same promise about the same thing for the past 7 (almost 8) years. Guess I will find out soon...
Trying to keep my chin up and soaking up the sunshine
For example how I have been feeling. A normal person would be excited to be graduating with honors. To be quite honest, I don't really care. Yeah so? I obtained a degree...that is what you are supposed to do. *shrugs* I don't even know what to do with this degree. I feel such great pressure to do something with it and I don't even know what to do. I am going to try to get certified again in June but if it doesn't come true, I don't know. That's June... too far to think about, gotta get through today.
I have little joy left to look in my life. I feel regret of not raising a family and the fear of having no one to take care of me when I am older just saddens me. My oldest sister emailed me to warn me about some cancer that runs in our family. Honestly, I don't care. Bad enough I have lupus and now you want me to worry about cancer. Really? It can do whatever it wants to do to my body. Sucks enough I don't have enough energy for an entire day.
We have some camping trips planned but that doesn't really get me pumped. I do most of the work (shopping, getting stuff organized, cleaning, setting up). Speaking of that, why can't the fucking sink just stay clean? I spent an evening cleaning it and this morning I find it full of fucking dishes. Is it really that hard to put soap on a sponge and clean? It's not even a lot!
I am just constantly angry at every little thing. Or crying. Go out, put on the everything is fine face. I get home, I just hermit myself and hide. I just feel alone. Well, not alone... not understood.
So maybe my rheummy so I ask all kinds of questions to, can direct me to some kind of mental health specialist and maybe I can help myself out of this low point. I know there are a few things I cannot change that I reluctantly accepted...not happy about it whatsoever but not much I can do since it is the other person who has the problem.
I am grateful to have this blog and write whatever I want without reservation. It's like talking to a safe friend who isn't going to judge me but listen. Anywho, there was a promise made to me and I guess I will find out in 72 hours if it kept. I have a feeling it won't because this person has made the same promise about the same thing for the past 7 (almost 8) years. Guess I will find out soon...
Trying to keep my chin up and soaking up the sunshine
Comments