December stuffs
I feel so mixed with feelings. I have been trying to do good things for myself and it just doesn't feel right. I am crawling out of my skin and really do not want anyone around me. I finished my last class in my ASL program and I should be proud but I don't feel it. I took my BEI TEP and should find out if I passed by the end of the month but I really don't care. I don't know why I have lost so much of my passion in my life. I just don't care anymore. Now here comes Christmas and everyone wants you to be 'happy'. Fuck it... I just don't know how to be happy. I put on the facade and say I'm fine that way I don't have to go into the black abyss known as my life.
To me, the Christmas season feels like a let down. It builds and builds then BAM! All gone. No one is nice and this 'goodwill' has vanished. Maybe I have been left in this house alone too long with myself. Been contemplating selfharm again but I stop only because I don't want to answer questions on why. I haven't taken my meds for over 2 weeks because 1) They are expensive 2) I really don't think they do a damn thing 3) Tired being tied to meds.
I made cookies yesterday in hopes it would lift my spirits but I look at them and really just want to pitch them in the garbage. Just getting really tired of life, in general. Yeah, I know that suicide is a selfish way out.. bla bla bla but if one could see how empty I feel and actually LISTEN instead of trying to repair, maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty.
I am getting good at hiding my true feelings from majority of people. I wish I could see how life would be if I was never born. It probably nothing like these holiday shows. Nothing would be any different.
To me, the Christmas season feels like a let down. It builds and builds then BAM! All gone. No one is nice and this 'goodwill' has vanished. Maybe I have been left in this house alone too long with myself. Been contemplating selfharm again but I stop only because I don't want to answer questions on why. I haven't taken my meds for over 2 weeks because 1) They are expensive 2) I really don't think they do a damn thing 3) Tired being tied to meds.
I made cookies yesterday in hopes it would lift my spirits but I look at them and really just want to pitch them in the garbage. Just getting really tired of life, in general. Yeah, I know that suicide is a selfish way out.. bla bla bla but if one could see how empty I feel and actually LISTEN instead of trying to repair, maybe I wouldn't feel so shitty.
I am getting good at hiding my true feelings from majority of people. I wish I could see how life would be if I was never born. It probably nothing like these holiday shows. Nothing would be any different.
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